i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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