final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
