half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
