So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize