my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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