So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
