Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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