I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
