I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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