I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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