I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize