dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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