Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
