wrigley field is MILF paradise
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
