My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Randomize
