you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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