Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have feelings that need drinking.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
