my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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