and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
