Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize