Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
