the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
