she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
