he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
