he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
