I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
