We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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