Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
