just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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