she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
