I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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