I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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