don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
