After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
