my room smells like sperm. sweet.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
