I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You pole danced in your parka.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
