I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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