the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize