its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
