Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
