I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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