before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My dick has a subreddit
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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