I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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