Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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