Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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