She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
