I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So apparently I’m into choking now
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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