Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
