2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
