She said her name was "party"
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I pour the whiskey from now on
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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