is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
