What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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