I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
