Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize