woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
