Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
