i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
