level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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