so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
