but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
